Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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