Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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