My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
