Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Two words: nipple clamps
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