Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
