Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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