remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
