Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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