You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
