i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
