He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
