Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
