I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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