I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
