I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
