I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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