I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
