Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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