1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
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Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
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I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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