So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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