so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize