well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
