I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
