we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
