I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
