Best friends brother. Beat that.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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