I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
