I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
