I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
