Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
