ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
