oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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