I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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