Apparently you make a good broom.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
