i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
