The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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