I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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