Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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