We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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