Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
