why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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