My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
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Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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