The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
All the doctor said was why
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
