Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
