Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
whose parrot is this?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
