Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
