I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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