I want to have your abortion
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
