No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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