he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Two words: nipple clamps
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