All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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