i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
