You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
