There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
