Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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