I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
